Honestly, I am extremely thrilled to be living with my mother again in Indiana. I'm having the time of my life... but for some reason, I can't get my head straight and I can't figure out why for the life of me. I want to push myself and get my life on track again, but there's something mentally blocking me from doing so. I can't pinpoint what it is, but it's really hard to deal with. I am super excited to start school for some reason. I suppose it's because I'd like to start new and meet new people... Although that's what my mind is telling me, my heart is saying that I might not find anyone, friends or a decent guy who wants me for ME. NOT anything other than that. It's obviously quite hard to do so, or so I've noticed in my case, at least. For some reason I can't seem to find someone who wants me for who I am. Granted, I'm nothing special, but whatever. I think everyone deserves to find someone to love. I am having no such luck...
I don't understand myself yet. I honestly can't figure out who I am and why I hate myself so much. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I want to punch my reflection. I get such compliments that mean the world to me. Such as, you're amazing. You're so funny. You're so pretty. But I also get the tear-downs such as, OH, you have such a pretty face, but if you'd lose weight then... or oh, no one wants to have sex with a fat girl because they're too ugly and fat to look at. Directed at me. Thank you, I REALLY appreciate you picking at my weakest point and pushing me over the cliff. That means the world to me. I can't get over any of this. I've tried all of my life, but there's no way that I'll be able to be happy anytime soon. Thank you to my family who will always be here for me. I love you.
