Honestly, I am extremely thrilled to be living with my mother again in Indiana. I'm having the time of my life... but for some reason, I can't get my head straight and I can't figure out why for the life of me. I want to push myself and get my life on track again, but there's something mentally blocking me from doing so. I can't pinpoint what it is, but it's really hard to deal with. I am super excited to start school for some reason. I suppose it's because I'd like to start new and meet new people... Although that's what my mind is telling me, my heart is saying that I might not find anyone, friends or a decent guy who wants me for ME. NOT anything other than that. It's obviously quite hard to do so, or so I've noticed in my case, at least. For some reason I can't seem to find someone who wants me for who I am. Granted, I'm nothing special, but whatever. I think everyone deserves to find someone to love. I am having no such luck...
I don't understand myself yet. I honestly can't figure out who I am and why I hate myself so much. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I want to punch my reflection. I get such compliments that mean the world to me. Such as, you're amazing. You're so funny. You're so pretty. But I also get the tear-downs such as, OH, you have such a pretty face, but if you'd lose weight then... or oh, no one wants to have sex with a fat girl because they're too ugly and fat to look at. Directed at me. Thank you, I REALLY appreciate you picking at my weakest point and pushing me over the cliff. That means the world to me. I can't get over any of this. I've tried all of my life, but there's no way that I'll be able to be happy anytime soon. Thank you to my family who will always be here for me. I love you.
I've been reading your blog and Abby, it is beautiful and so are you. Be proud of who you are and ignore the bullshit in life. Trust me, I feel the same way. And people who come off at super confidant feel the same way too.
ReplyDeleteI think I remember having a conversation with you about my hate for the state of IN but since your living there I will hate it a little less. I hope things are going well and no matter what anyone says, I'm almost positive high school is not the greatest years of your life. No one knows who they are or what they are supposed to do in life. Now that its over we can be whoever we want to be.
just read your blog...and it makes me feel sooo sad for you. I wish you could see yourself as I see you, and a lot of people see you! You forgot Who is always with you and thinks you are perfect...cause He does not make imperfections!! He has a purpose for everyone in this life....Trust me, don't you think I get down on myself a lot of the times? Everyone does. But the sign of a great person is in how you find your way thru your heartaches.
ReplyDeleteDont you think that I had some dark days, when I lost sooo much when I had my stroke? But I clung to my faith and belief that God would not have left me here if there was not a reason for my surviving, hell I was half way out...but then I went back in, so I believe that if I continue to be a good person and folow the golden rule :"Treat others as you wuld like to be treated", I will eventually be at the golden gates and I will see my family.
you need to know that God gave you talents and it would be a sin if you did not use them for the joy of others, and to touch others that are having a low point in their lives. You will see what I am talking about when you put all this work into a show, and look out to see all these people that will be touched by your gifts...God would not have created you and given you all the gifts that you possess if he thought that you would flush those talents down the drain!!!
Cling to your faith!!!!
I Love you,
Aunt Wendy