Big City Dreams

I basically just had the best weekend of summer 2010. I left Friday morning to head to Chi-town for the weekend. As much as the train ride & long walk downtown sucks, I didn't care. It gave me time to think, take a nap, and relax. Once I got home, my best friend picked me up & we went to visit our old high school. I picked up my yearbook & saw one of my favorite people ever. I chilled around & went to Ihop with him and another friend of mine and had a hilarious time. We hit up the mall after and I stayed the night at my best friends after hitting the hookah bar. It's been awhile since we've done that. Saturday, we went to the mall for awhile and chilled and that night, I went to dinner with my dad & his fiance. It was pretty rad to catch up with them again. I stayed the night at her house again because we needed to go to Six Flags to see the one and only, Never Shout Never & The Ready Set perform! We left around 730, drove an hour, then got our VIP wristbands. We spent the day riding rides ( I think we rode the Batman ride 4 or 5 times ) and walking around, having a blast. When 4 o'clock came around, we headed over to the ampitheatre. Once the VIP was all in, general admission was let in. There was a huge dance party in the VIP the whole time we were there. The bands were AMAZING. I cried when Christofer Drew played "What is Love?" because I went through divorce, as well. It was the best concert I've ever been to.

So, it's time to let go of everything and just write. Music has always been a huge influence on my life, from the time I was born to now. But now, music means a little bit more to me, especially since Christofer Drew's music came into my life. Although he MAY be selling out a bit, I just became a huge fan of his jams. He knows how to relate to people & his music has real EMOTION behind it, unlike a lot of pop musicians. His music has made me change my outlook on life, the earth, and other people. He's a modern day hippie & I must say that I am the same way again. I want to spread peace & I want to make a difference in people's lives. I'm ready to move on and enjoy life. It's time to let the stupid shit go and truly live my life the way I want to. I want to meet someone to share my life, time, mind, and heart with, not someone who plays like they care and just punches the hell out of my heart while wearing brass knuckles. It's the worst feeling in the world, but I'm moving on. I'm ready to be happy again. I'm ready.

Don't know what to title this...

Ever get in the position where you think you're finally happy, then something happens that makes you realize you were wrong? Yeah, that's the story of my life.

Honestly, I am extremely thrilled to be living with my mother again in Indiana. I'm having the time of my life... but for some reason, I can't get my head straight and I can't figure out why for the life of me. I want to push myself and get my life on track again, but there's something mentally blocking me from doing so. I can't pinpoint what it is, but it's really hard to deal with. I am super excited to start school for some reason. I suppose it's because I'd like to start new and meet new people... Although that's what my mind is telling me, my heart is saying that I might not find anyone, friends or a decent guy who wants me for ME. NOT anything other than that. It's obviously quite hard to do so, or so I've noticed in my case, at least. For some reason I can't seem to find someone who wants me for who I am. Granted, I'm nothing special, but whatever. I think everyone deserves to find someone to love. I am having no such luck...

I don't understand myself yet. I honestly can't figure out who I am and why I hate myself so much. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I want to punch my reflection. I get such compliments that mean the world to me. Such as, you're amazing. You're so funny. You're so pretty. But I also get the tear-downs such as, OH, you have such a pretty face, but if you'd lose weight then... or oh, no one wants to have sex with a fat girl because they're too ugly and fat to look at. Directed at me. Thank you, I REALLY appreciate you picking at my weakest point and pushing me over the cliff. That means the world to me. I can't get over any of this. I've tried all of my life, but there's no way that I'll be able to be happy anytime soon. Thank you to my family who will always be here for me. I love you.

Newer update : Head underwater.

I really have no idea what has been happening with me lately. My emotions are extremely out of wack & I'm having a lot of trouble supressing how I feel to people. Maybe it's because I know that a few weeks from now, I will be in a place that I belong & I am supported. A part of me hates, and I mean HATES, being dependant on others. I cannot stand relying on my family and friends to take care of me. My independance kicks in come graduation day. As soon as I have a job, I will be able to be dependant on myself, which is what I've been looking for since I was younger. Why should I be suppressed any longer? I am done. I am sick of being pushed around and pushed away.

Since the whole "Hey, your grades suck, you can't get them up? Fine, do props" thing happened, my emotions have been even worse. My depression has been at an all time high and my anger against EVERYONE & everything has made everything worse. Why now? Aren't these next few weeks supposed to be the best few weeks ever? What about the senior perks? Seems like I won't be getting any.

Wonderful.

T minus 29 days.

Getting a bit antsy.

I am getting extremely worn, broken, antsy, & torn with how things are playing out at the moment. My mind is running to a million different corners right now & I have no idea how to stop it. I can't seem to get anything straight (or right, for that matter). Why is it right now that I feel everything stretching away from eachother and slowly falling apart? Of course, it would happen right now because God only knows how much I'm truly freaking out about everything, whether I choose to show it or not.

I am so tired, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I can hardly cope with the stress and pain, now I can barely stay awake or make rational decisions for myself? Of course, my luck that this would happen right now. I just wish things would chill out so I can live the way I always do- by letting life take ahold and not worrying so much about the future & worrying about the present. Why should people let the future take hold of their lives? Sure, high school students especially, have to worry about what career that they would enjoy persuing or if they want to have children, but we shouldn't always worry about the little things that could potentially change things. Piercings and hair dye. Ripped up jeans & tattoos. Everything that one does reflects who that individual truly is. In reality, we are all the child who enjoyed climbing trees or pretending to be mermaids in the bathtub, whether we are 20 or 70. We all lived care-free once as a child and did not have to worry about what others truly thought (especially in the future).



I am truly going to be a weekend warrior this weekend:
*Saturday
-8 am-5pm, Tech rehearsal for "Curtains"
-5pm-7pm, Birthday party.
-7pm-?pm, family/friend dinner.

*Sunday
-915am-1045am, Church choir
-1015am-noon, coffee & homework.

I am exhausted.

Procrastination.

The word that most describes my feelings and actions toward homework. Procrastination. Laziness.


I feel like I have better things to do with my day than to sit around and do homework for hours on end. It's just not how I feel I should spend my weekend. Granted, I like education. I like learning and growing, but I don't like having to worry more about classes over the weekend. It's illogical. At least we only have a few more months left of high school homework... I'm sure it gets worse in college, though. But oh well, college will be so much better for me. I'm very much sick of the high school scene. It almost feels as if it's a club or something, rather than a requirement. People don't treat school like it should be treated. Though, no one really likes classes anyway... I'm just looking forward to taking classes that I want to take. That will be fantastic.

Recently, I've been realizing how complex things really are that have never seemed so. What ever happened to the simple routine of every day? What happened to waking up, eating breakfast, getting ready, going to school, & coming home? Now, it goes drag your ass out of bed, throw on whatever's not dirty, skip breakfast (just drink coffee), drag around school all day, go to rehearsal or work, then come home and work on hours of homework. This is all growing up, I suppose... It all just feels surreal. I feel like everytime I look in the mirror, I look like I'm still 14 years old, rather than 18. A legal adult. Capable of making life-altering decisions. It's just total confusion and craziness.


How low can you go?

Comfortable Liar.

I just have no idea what this blog is going to contain, but I'm sure it won't be worth whoever is reading this' time.

I miss so many things right now. I am looking forward to so many things right now. I am worried about so many things right now. I am excited for so many things right now. It just happens to be that all of my emotions are running on an all time high. I guess the only way to clear my mind is to blog & draw. Those are the two things that can clear my head when I need it. I'm just blogging right now out of boredom.

I'm missing my family. I'm missing the old times. I'm missing many things that I wish I could go back and experience again, but that obviously won't happen. I'm looking forward to a new chapter in my life. A new school, new friends, new relationships. I just need this escape as soon as possible. I am looking forward to moving on with my life and figuring out who I am (although I believe no one truly finds themselves in their lifetime). I am excited to start the journey to my new life. It's going to be an absolute rollercoaster ride... The thrill, adrenaline, fear. I'm looking forward to it all. Although, I'm excited, thrilled, and looking forward to these new chapters in my life, I still have that slight concern of where things may lead me.

This will most definitely be a continued post.

Panic Attack

Panic Attack: an episode of intense fear or apprehension that is of sudden onset.

I have never experienced this before. An attack of fear triggered by God knows what. Art class rolled around, my favorite class of the day, and I was feeling kind of weak. I sat down and started working on my project when towards the end of the period, I felt my chest tighten, my heart thud rapidly, and blood rushing through my veins. My breath got insanely fast and I started to feel even weaker and at the same time, very fast-moving. I guess this was the definition of a panic attack. I layed down in the nurses office for awhile, at one moment feeling exhausted, then feeling like my breath was escaping me too quickly. I got up and finished a project after, but ever since, I have been shaky and my heart will thud quickly at random times throughout the day.

I was sent to the social worker. I felt like I was insane... like something was extremely wrong with me. Then I realized it would help me in ways that could significantly change things for me. We discussed options that may have triggered the attack and other concerns of mine such as A.D.D. and depression. My dad told me he would make a doctor's appointment for me as soon as he can get me in, I'm just scared. What if I have technically been living a lie for this many years? I don't know what I'll do with myself. What if they put me on medication? I hope I wouldn't change who I really am with the effects of the medicine. I'm just lost and I was told to blog about it to make me feel a bit better. I suppose it's working, but the thought of a 3 hour rehearsal in heels is a drab.

I guess I'll be updating this more often.


(I also learned that City & Colour helps me get through tough times like this all the time.)