I am getting extremely worn, broken, antsy, & torn with how things are playing out at the moment. My mind is running to a million different corners right now & I have no idea how to stop it. I can't seem to get anything straight (or right, for that matter). Why is it right now that I feel everything stretching away from eachother and slowly falling apart? Of course, it would happen right now because God only knows how much I'm truly freaking out about everything, whether I choose to show it or not.
I am so tired, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I can hardly cope with the stress and pain, now I can barely stay awake or make rational decisions for myself? Of course, my luck that this would happen right now. I just wish things would chill out so I can live the way I always do- by letting life take ahold and not worrying so much about the future & worrying about the present. Why should people let the future take hold of their lives? Sure, high school students especially, have to worry about what career that they would enjoy persuing or if they want to have children, but we shouldn't always worry about the little things that could potentially change things. Piercings and hair dye. Ripped up jeans & tattoos. Everything that one does reflects who that individual truly is. In reality, we are all the child who enjoyed climbing trees or pretending to be mermaids in the bathtub, whether we are 20 or 70. We all lived care-free once as a child and did not have to worry about what others truly thought (especially in the future).
I am truly going to be a weekend warrior this weekend:
*Saturday
-8 am-5pm, Tech rehearsal for "Curtains"
-5pm-7pm, Birthday party.
-7pm-?pm, family/friend dinner.
*Sunday
-915am-1045am, Church choir
-1015am-noon, coffee & homework.
I am exhausted.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Procrastination.
The word that most describes my feelings and actions toward homework. Procrastination. Laziness.
I feel like I have better things to do with my day than to sit around and do homework for hours on end. It's just not how I feel I should spend my weekend. Granted, I like education. I like learning and growing, but I don't like having to worry more about classes over the weekend. It's illogical. At least we only have a few more months left of high school homework... I'm sure it gets worse in college, though. But oh well, college will be so much better for me. I'm very much sick of the high school scene. It almost feels as if it's a club or something, rather than a requirement. People don't treat school like it should be treated. Though, no one really likes classes anyway... I'm just looking forward to taking classes that I want to take. That will be fantastic.
Recently, I've been realizing how complex things really are that have never seemed so. What ever happened to the simple routine of every day? What happened to waking up, eating breakfast, getting ready, going to school, & coming home? Now, it goes drag your ass out of bed, throw on whatever's not dirty, skip breakfast (just drink coffee), drag around school all day, go to rehearsal or work, then come home and work on hours of homework. This is all growing up, I suppose... It all just feels surreal. I feel like everytime I look in the mirror, I look like I'm still 14 years old, rather than 18. A legal adult. Capable of making life-altering decisions. It's just total confusion and craziness.
How low can you go?
I feel like I have better things to do with my day than to sit around and do homework for hours on end. It's just not how I feel I should spend my weekend. Granted, I like education. I like learning and growing, but I don't like having to worry more about classes over the weekend. It's illogical. At least we only have a few more months left of high school homework... I'm sure it gets worse in college, though. But oh well, college will be so much better for me. I'm very much sick of the high school scene. It almost feels as if it's a club or something, rather than a requirement. People don't treat school like it should be treated. Though, no one really likes classes anyway... I'm just looking forward to taking classes that I want to take. That will be fantastic.
Recently, I've been realizing how complex things really are that have never seemed so. What ever happened to the simple routine of every day? What happened to waking up, eating breakfast, getting ready, going to school, & coming home? Now, it goes drag your ass out of bed, throw on whatever's not dirty, skip breakfast (just drink coffee), drag around school all day, go to rehearsal or work, then come home and work on hours of homework. This is all growing up, I suppose... It all just feels surreal. I feel like everytime I look in the mirror, I look like I'm still 14 years old, rather than 18. A legal adult. Capable of making life-altering decisions. It's just total confusion and craziness.
How low can you go?
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Comfortable Liar.
I just have no idea what this blog is going to contain, but I'm sure it won't be worth whoever is reading this' time.
I miss so many things right now. I am looking forward to so many things right now. I am worried about so many things right now. I am excited for so many things right now. It just happens to be that all of my emotions are running on an all time high. I guess the only way to clear my mind is to blog & draw. Those are the two things that can clear my head when I need it. I'm just blogging right now out of boredom.
I'm missing my family. I'm missing the old times. I'm missing many things that I wish I could go back and experience again, but that obviously won't happen. I'm looking forward to a new chapter in my life. A new school, new friends, new relationships. I just need this escape as soon as possible. I am looking forward to moving on with my life and figuring out who I am (although I believe no one truly finds themselves in their lifetime). I am excited to start the journey to my new life. It's going to be an absolute rollercoaster ride... The thrill, adrenaline, fear. I'm looking forward to it all. Although, I'm excited, thrilled, and looking forward to these new chapters in my life, I still have that slight concern of where things may lead me.
This will most definitely be a continued post.
I miss so many things right now. I am looking forward to so many things right now. I am worried about so many things right now. I am excited for so many things right now. It just happens to be that all of my emotions are running on an all time high. I guess the only way to clear my mind is to blog & draw. Those are the two things that can clear my head when I need it. I'm just blogging right now out of boredom.
I'm missing my family. I'm missing the old times. I'm missing many things that I wish I could go back and experience again, but that obviously won't happen. I'm looking forward to a new chapter in my life. A new school, new friends, new relationships. I just need this escape as soon as possible. I am looking forward to moving on with my life and figuring out who I am (although I believe no one truly finds themselves in their lifetime). I am excited to start the journey to my new life. It's going to be an absolute rollercoaster ride... The thrill, adrenaline, fear. I'm looking forward to it all. Although, I'm excited, thrilled, and looking forward to these new chapters in my life, I still have that slight concern of where things may lead me.
This will most definitely be a continued post.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Panic Attack
Panic Attack: an episode of intense fear or apprehension that is of sudden onset.
I have never experienced this before. An attack of fear triggered by God knows what. Art class rolled around, my favorite class of the day, and I was feeling kind of weak. I sat down and started working on my project when towards the end of the period, I felt my chest tighten, my heart thud rapidly, and blood rushing through my veins. My breath got insanely fast and I started to feel even weaker and at the same time, very fast-moving. I guess this was the definition of a panic attack. I layed down in the nurses office for awhile, at one moment feeling exhausted, then feeling like my breath was escaping me too quickly. I got up and finished a project after, but ever since, I have been shaky and my heart will thud quickly at random times throughout the day.
I was sent to the social worker. I felt like I was insane... like something was extremely wrong with me. Then I realized it would help me in ways that could significantly change things for me. We discussed options that may have triggered the attack and other concerns of mine such as A.D.D. and depression. My dad told me he would make a doctor's appointment for me as soon as he can get me in, I'm just scared. What if I have technically been living a lie for this many years? I don't know what I'll do with myself. What if they put me on medication? I hope I wouldn't change who I really am with the effects of the medicine. I'm just lost and I was told to blog about it to make me feel a bit better. I suppose it's working, but the thought of a 3 hour rehearsal in heels is a drab.
I guess I'll be updating this more often.
(I also learned that City & Colour helps me get through tough times like this all the time.)
I have never experienced this before. An attack of fear triggered by God knows what. Art class rolled around, my favorite class of the day, and I was feeling kind of weak. I sat down and started working on my project when towards the end of the period, I felt my chest tighten, my heart thud rapidly, and blood rushing through my veins. My breath got insanely fast and I started to feel even weaker and at the same time, very fast-moving. I guess this was the definition of a panic attack. I layed down in the nurses office for awhile, at one moment feeling exhausted, then feeling like my breath was escaping me too quickly. I got up and finished a project after, but ever since, I have been shaky and my heart will thud quickly at random times throughout the day.
I was sent to the social worker. I felt like I was insane... like something was extremely wrong with me. Then I realized it would help me in ways that could significantly change things for me. We discussed options that may have triggered the attack and other concerns of mine such as A.D.D. and depression. My dad told me he would make a doctor's appointment for me as soon as he can get me in, I'm just scared. What if I have technically been living a lie for this many years? I don't know what I'll do with myself. What if they put me on medication? I hope I wouldn't change who I really am with the effects of the medicine. I'm just lost and I was told to blog about it to make me feel a bit better. I suppose it's working, but the thought of a 3 hour rehearsal in heels is a drab.
I guess I'll be updating this more often.
(I also learned that City & Colour helps me get through tough times like this all the time.)
Thursday, January 21, 2010
A new year, New possibilities
For once, I feel like I am where I belong. Like I have a small spot in society, whether I know what that exactly means or not, I have no idea.
The hole that's been digging deeper within me has been filled with something I lost for too long: Art. It may sound kind of stupid, but I did not realize how much it really meant to me until now. Self-expression, emotion, feeling. I feel this way about a few things, also, such as music, lyrics, dance, and poetry. I never noticed how much self-expression really meant to me until now. Turning 18 is a step stone in one's life & marks the beginning of adulthood, whether the person embraces it or not is up to them, but it's different for me. Sure, I can go purchase ciggarettes, porn, & I can legally vote, but just because I'm 18 does not mean that I can do whatever I feel like, whenever I feel like it(respect). There are things that I would like to change about myself, of course, but not just because I'm 18 & want to rebel. I have that shell & I like to embrace that, but for different reasons.
Self-expression. The ability to express yourself in a unique way. Too many people are too caught up in what the latest trend is & that's when they lose themselves. That's what happened to me recently & I am not going to let it happen again. What's the point of one claiming that they are expressing their individuality when they just go and purchase three more Ed Hardy tees & go tanning 7 days a week, all while saying "don't judge me, I'm me & THAT'S all I'll ever be! Lyke, git ovr ittt! GAWD!!"? It doesn't seem like it. Although some people do such things & still have a uniqueness to them (like all individuals), it's mainly a sterotype expressed in our society (unfortunately). Now, I'm not bashing those people, I am just proclaiming my individuality from them. Proudly. Let me wear clothes that don't match. Let me wear something crazy because that's how I feel on the inside. Tell me I look like an idiot & I'll hold it close to me because I will still know who I am and where I come from. In all honesty, I am still a lost individual who doesn't know what to do in life & I don't even have myself completely figured out yet, but at least I am comfortable knowing so.
Self-expression. A word that crosses my mind constantly. Asking myself how I embrace it. How I can prove my unique individuality using my body & the clothing I wear in order to do so. Expressing myself through pencil marks on a piece of paper or by singing a song that expresses how I truly feel at that moment.
- Sometimes I go on tangents, & I believe this is one of them. -
The hole that's been digging deeper within me has been filled with something I lost for too long: Art. It may sound kind of stupid, but I did not realize how much it really meant to me until now. Self-expression, emotion, feeling. I feel this way about a few things, also, such as music, lyrics, dance, and poetry. I never noticed how much self-expression really meant to me until now. Turning 18 is a step stone in one's life & marks the beginning of adulthood, whether the person embraces it or not is up to them, but it's different for me. Sure, I can go purchase ciggarettes, porn, & I can legally vote, but just because I'm 18 does not mean that I can do whatever I feel like, whenever I feel like it(respect). There are things that I would like to change about myself, of course, but not just because I'm 18 & want to rebel. I have that shell & I like to embrace that, but for different reasons.
Self-expression. The ability to express yourself in a unique way. Too many people are too caught up in what the latest trend is & that's when they lose themselves. That's what happened to me recently & I am not going to let it happen again. What's the point of one claiming that they are expressing their individuality when they just go and purchase three more Ed Hardy tees & go tanning 7 days a week, all while saying "don't judge me, I'm me & THAT'S all I'll ever be! Lyke, git ovr ittt! GAWD!!"? It doesn't seem like it. Although some people do such things & still have a uniqueness to them (like all individuals), it's mainly a sterotype expressed in our society (unfortunately). Now, I'm not bashing those people, I am just proclaiming my individuality from them. Proudly. Let me wear clothes that don't match. Let me wear something crazy because that's how I feel on the inside. Tell me I look like an idiot & I'll hold it close to me because I will still know who I am and where I come from. In all honesty, I am still a lost individual who doesn't know what to do in life & I don't even have myself completely figured out yet, but at least I am comfortable knowing so.
Self-expression. A word that crosses my mind constantly. Asking myself how I embrace it. How I can prove my unique individuality using my body & the clothing I wear in order to do so. Expressing myself through pencil marks on a piece of paper or by singing a song that expresses how I truly feel at that moment.
- Sometimes I go on tangents, & I believe this is one of them. -
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